12 years and 364 days old.

Yes, I admitted my age. Now you see that I'm a pathetic, loner kid with no friends and no life of value. In the bathroom there, I looked into the mirror. A wave of emotions ran through me, loathe, despair, regret, agony and others. Tomorrow, is my thirteenth birthday. I don't know what to expect of it all. My stomach churns with fear and pain. I wonder whether my teenage years will be worse than my stupid "tweens". Stupid, because I was weird, overdramatic and "stupid". I tried to be myself but nobody accepted me. School was totally out of the picture. Nobody was going to accept me, whoever I was. So I tried the scene style. It was fun. But the scene girls on the internet rejected me because I was too young and I wasn't allowed to dye my hair. So now I'm on this path, I'm a rebel, an outcast. I could be fit into a one category in particular. Emo. I love emos, they are beautiful, inside and outside. Their poetry is so honest and their hair is amazing. I don't have emo hair. If I was allowed to, I'd have it for nearly a year now. I have the style but not the colour...my past isn't brutal or torn enough to sink into an isolated state. Well...I think I'm already in one now. What annoys me though, is that in England or America, you can decide to be emo and love it. You can have a huge gang of emo friends with the same music taste as you do and you can heal each other together. I know one girl, she loves emo music and she has emo hair. But she isn't usually sad. She's the only person I know who could be possibly fitted into an "emo gang". And she's a year above me. Of course, my Mum doesn't approve of that. Why am I starting off my blog from the start of everything? That's Liana. One day I tried to open up my feelings to Laura. I don't know why, she either felt uncomfortable with it, or she likes to be the one talking. She's a real chatterbox. She's fun to be friends with, but she doesn't compare to Lauren. I want to get closer to her than ever these days. She's nearly the most important person in my life. Certainly my sixth.
What I'm most worried about for my teenage years is, will I change myself to fit in and have friends? If I could see the future and I did that, I'd probably buy a shotgun to kill her, or my present self. Probably my present self. Imagine the pain that Lauren would go through if I wanted to replace her with some normal girly friends from school? She'd become suicidal probably. The direction I want my path to take most now is that Liana and I become really good friends. Mum will let me go into town with her again and maybe regularly. Maybe I could dye my hair, or maybe not because I'd feel so perfect in with the group. Not the group. The popular kids in school, but Liana's best friends. The ones that she goes into town with. I doubt that will ever happen though. The path is too cloudy for comfort. Maybe if I continue feeling unsafe and insecure like now it will turn out the first way. I'll try and steer it towards the second path. I could try and make better friends with Liana over Christmas and maybe I could make an attempt with going to town with Liana again. It's the only way possible. I'm glad blogging helped clear my mind. It's definitely a diary more than a public speaking.

So long and goodnight...

Christmas Tests

My life is so boring that it feels like it's been forever since my last blog, when it's only been two weeks. I'm not sure whether I mentioned the Christmas tests in my last blog, I had my Christmas tests, they went on for all of last week. I had nine tests, I got seven of the results back yesterday. Science - 97%, German - 96%, Maths - 94%, Business - 89%, Geography - 88%, English - 85% and Irish was 79%. I was really disappointed with my Irish but I did well in every other subject. I have my religion test tomorrow *-* I'll have all my results back by the end of the week. Ugh, I'm sorry my blog is so boring and emotionless. I'm very bored and very urgent, I only remembered while typing this that I have my religion test. I'm going to go as soon as 30STM aren't on K! anymore.