Oh no..

So much has happened since I last blogged. I turned 13. I saw Paramore, YouMeAtSix, Paper Route and Now Now Every Children in Dublin. But that isn't what I logged on for.

Blogger is my last source of trust. It's the only place I can really have a diary. My parents have decided to start checking my Twitter. FML.

For that reason, I'm going to confess my biggest secret. I've only told one person. And I don't plan to tell any more. Nobody will read this so it's basically a diary...only safer.
I have a crush on Liana. There. I said it. I know that if I said it on Twitter and my parents saw, they'd put me in a straight jacket. They're homophobic. If they knew I had a lesbian crush on Liana, they'd kill me. I can't make any moves though. She's straight. This Blogger is basically a journal of my life with Liana. I couldn't make any moves if I tried because I'm not allowed to go to town with her. But I went on the bus with her one day. She's so beautiful...the people who went to my primary school go on the bus. And they have a negative opinion to emos. They don't know I'm emo because I'm not allowed to dye my hair. They were embarrassing me and doing all kinds of stupid crap while I was spending time with Liana. I don't know what I've gotten myself into...Whenever I dream; which is not very often. I dream about Liana.

12 years and 364 days old.

Yes, I admitted my age. Now you see that I'm a pathetic, loner kid with no friends and no life of value. In the bathroom there, I looked into the mirror. A wave of emotions ran through me, loathe, despair, regret, agony and others. Tomorrow, is my thirteenth birthday. I don't know what to expect of it all. My stomach churns with fear and pain. I wonder whether my teenage years will be worse than my stupid "tweens". Stupid, because I was weird, overdramatic and "stupid". I tried to be myself but nobody accepted me. School was totally out of the picture. Nobody was going to accept me, whoever I was. So I tried the scene style. It was fun. But the scene girls on the internet rejected me because I was too young and I wasn't allowed to dye my hair. So now I'm on this path, I'm a rebel, an outcast. I could be fit into a one category in particular. Emo. I love emos, they are beautiful, inside and outside. Their poetry is so honest and their hair is amazing. I don't have emo hair. If I was allowed to, I'd have it for nearly a year now. I have the style but not the colour...my past isn't brutal or torn enough to sink into an isolated state. Well...I think I'm already in one now. What annoys me though, is that in England or America, you can decide to be emo and love it. You can have a huge gang of emo friends with the same music taste as you do and you can heal each other together. I know one girl, she loves emo music and she has emo hair. But she isn't usually sad. She's the only person I know who could be possibly fitted into an "emo gang". And she's a year above me. Of course, my Mum doesn't approve of that. Why am I starting off my blog from the start of everything? That's Liana. One day I tried to open up my feelings to Laura. I don't know why, she either felt uncomfortable with it, or she likes to be the one talking. She's a real chatterbox. She's fun to be friends with, but she doesn't compare to Lauren. I want to get closer to her than ever these days. She's nearly the most important person in my life. Certainly my sixth.
What I'm most worried about for my teenage years is, will I change myself to fit in and have friends? If I could see the future and I did that, I'd probably buy a shotgun to kill her, or my present self. Probably my present self. Imagine the pain that Lauren would go through if I wanted to replace her with some normal girly friends from school? She'd become suicidal probably. The direction I want my path to take most now is that Liana and I become really good friends. Mum will let me go into town with her again and maybe regularly. Maybe I could dye my hair, or maybe not because I'd feel so perfect in with the group. Not the group. The popular kids in school, but Liana's best friends. The ones that she goes into town with. I doubt that will ever happen though. The path is too cloudy for comfort. Maybe if I continue feeling unsafe and insecure like now it will turn out the first way. I'll try and steer it towards the second path. I could try and make better friends with Liana over Christmas and maybe I could make an attempt with going to town with Liana again. It's the only way possible. I'm glad blogging helped clear my mind. It's definitely a diary more than a public speaking.

So long and goodnight...

Christmas Tests

My life is so boring that it feels like it's been forever since my last blog, when it's only been two weeks. I'm not sure whether I mentioned the Christmas tests in my last blog, I had my Christmas tests, they went on for all of last week. I had nine tests, I got seven of the results back yesterday. Science - 97%, German - 96%, Maths - 94%, Business - 89%, Geography - 88%, English - 85% and Irish was 79%. I was really disappointed with my Irish but I did well in every other subject. I have my religion test tomorrow *-* I'll have all my results back by the end of the week. Ugh, I'm sorry my blog is so boring and emotionless. I'm very bored and very urgent, I only remembered while typing this that I have my religion test. I'm going to go as soon as 30STM aren't on K! anymore.

Long Live The MCRmy!

Ah so the time begins again when the MCRmy make a hashtag onto the Trending Topics again. Tonight, we are going to try and make #MCRmy a Trending Topic. I don't know why it's so random...I'm just gonna go with it.

I have to read 200 pages of Pride And Prejudice in two days .-.
I haven't got the results back from my History test yet D:< And I don't have Miss Kelly again until Friday. -.-* Hurry up damn Twilighter.

My Blogs are getting so boring -.- My Christmas tests are starting at the start of December. I'm trying to plan my birthday party but it isn't seeming to work out .-.

So what the current plan (of five minutes ago) was that I have the party On Saturday the 5th of December with Laura, Aisling, Michaela and Ailish to see New Moon for the second time. So on Sunday I'm going to see New Moon with Andrea. I hope THIS plan works out. Unike all the others...

So long and godnight...

Untitled.

My life is very boring and complicated. Two things that I've learned since the last post:

·I don't hate my family
·I fit in nowhere besides my third circle and my first circle.

I don't think I've explained my circles yet. If I have well you can just scroll down to the point where I skip two lines.
BTW I have my first follower <3 I'm so overjoyed :3 Somebody cares about me at least except for Lauren. I think she's the only one who fully understands me. Jeez I sound like one of those people who mock emos "nobody understands me". Ugh I'll just stop thinking about myself and how much of a retard I am and just get on with the post.
The first circle is the most important to me where I've developed the strongest relationships. This is my internet friends. Lauren in particular. My best friend in the whole world. I've known her for about a year and a half now. I've never had a stronger relationship with anybody else besides her. Other people in this include my Twitter friends: @carolineRAWR5, @Mcrmygirl25 and @mcrlife.
The second circle is the one my Mum prefers the most. This is of my little first year friends, Laura, Michaella and Ailish. Sometimes Aisling. I love Laura. We share a lot of the same taste. But I'm more into 21st Century alternative rock and she is for more older rock n roll. That's really cool :3
The third circle is my punk friends one. The one with Liana and all her friends. I've become better friends with Liana over MSN but I haven't been to town with her since that day...

If I get over 90% in my History test I'll be allowed to join Bebo! xD At long last ._.



I'm going to finish up the post here. I'm really not in the mood for talking about what happened in Foroige. I hate that place so much.

So long and goodnight...

Ieroween.

It's kinda strange that you can usually tell by the punctuation of the title what kind of mood I'm in. When it's one full stop it's usually a bad sign.

So this day started off great. I went to the cinema to see The Vampires Assistant with Laura Tierney. She was dressed really cool and my Mum thinks she sounds like a nice girl. Well, that's one friend that she approves of. The movie was terrific. I'm having trouble deciding whether it's better then Twilight or not. I'll be sure to add that to my "loves" on the few websites I'm on. That will multiply when I become 13. The cinema was the highest peak of my day.

So I had to bring Laura and Aisling out trick or treating. I was wearing the cool outfit Mum bought me yesterday. It consists of blue skinny jeans, a grey hoodie, a blue and black striped scarf with matching fingerless gloves. Whenever I Blog about how I dislike my family sometimes, it's because I'm in a tantrum. I really do love them all so dearly. Not just because she bought me an amazing outfit. lol. Back to the trick or treating story, it was just like any other trick or treating spree. Ring some doorbells, get some sweets. Next house: ring the doorbell get some sweets. Yeah that was it.
When we came back Dad challenged me to a game of golf on Wii Sports. I just couldn't decline a worthy challenge even though I hadn't playing in so long. It was a tough game. I had one bad hole in particular that destroyed my game. But Dad had two bad ones himself. His knowledge of the game is just too good. The overall score was Dad: +3 Emma: +4. I was quiet disappointed. I hadn't become so close to beating Dad in a long, long time.
The next segment of my day was watching a DVD. This DVD happened to be "The Butterfly Effect" which to my discovery, wasn't a horror film as expected. The theme of this movie goes as the main character Evan is in college and reads through his diaries which he wrote when he was younger. He was advised to write these journals from the doctor because he had this disease where he blackened out sometimes and doesn't remember what happens afterward. So where he's in college, he looks through the journals and discovers when he reads them out loud he can go back in time to the time of the entry and change the future. The movie is based on the small things that can change a whole person's future.
So another rise of my night was when the #ieroween party was on at Twitter. We got up high enough on the trending topics! My Tweepie @carolineRAWR5 Screenshotted it for me and posted it on Twitpic because I was watching the movie and the ime :')
After the #ieroween ness calmed down I went to Frank's Twitter page to see if he noticed the #ieroween party and if he was thankful or anything. It said that I wasn't following him! o.O When I tried to follow him it said that he blocked me from following him. Two emotions surged strongly through me when that happened the first one is much stronger: Heartbreak. He lets 52,000 other "perfect fans" follow him and not me? I don't spam him with love and stuff. I respect him and follow him and I get rejected? I still feel horrible from the disappointment. The second thing I felt was joy that he actually went to the trouble of blocking me. On my username.
Yesterday I got my braces tightened and the colours changed. They are blue and black. It looks much better then the red and black. The wire in the braces is far too long and sticks out the back against my cheeks. These two days have been torture. Every time I open my mouth it tears away a shred of my inside cheek skin. My cheeks will be left to nothing but ribbons if this isn't sorted out soon. Dad says he'll bring me in to see if it's possible to shorten the wire. Because I can barely eat, talk or yawn. Ouch yawning. Another hard part of the wire is that it's impossible to use mouthwash with the muscles of my cheeks tearing away...

So long and goodnight...

Just take me away. I give up.

Today wasn't a good day in the relationship between me and my Mum. We had two arguments today. Sometimes we don't have any in a week. It started off when we went to the shop today and I was looking at a hairstyles magazine and I pointed out a cool, short hairstyle. Then she started shouting at me in the middle of the shop. i was just asking. What's her problem? I asked. I wasn't saying that smoking was cool or anything. The second bad thing that happened was that this evening, Liana (Liana <3) texted me asking did I want to crash at her house for Halloween. So I asked Mum and I never heard her yell at me so hard. it was as if I said I was smoking with Liana at school. I can understand why she would scream at me for that. But I was just asking her? She said that if I keep asking her "stupid questoins" she'll ban me from going to Foroige, going on my laptop and my phone. What the hell is her problem? I can't believe I'm still crying now. This might have happened an hour ago, this might have happened five minutes ago. Time is just awkward at the moment. I'm just so possessed about time and age that I can't understand it anymore. I feel like I'm not like any other first-years. I'm almost broken away from everybody else. I feel like I'm another aged girl placed inside the body of a kid. I hate school. i hate my hair. I'm beginning to hate my family. Nobody understands me anymore except for Lauren. Whenever I'm down Laura and Aisling, my sisters, always sense it and annoy me to hell. I wish I could go there. It would take me away from my problems here. I don't understand how asking about things gets me into trouble. I've only asked about

-Dying my hair
-Cutting my hair short
-Getting snakebites
-Going to town with a second year
-Going to a second year's house

I never bring up discussions about drugs, or alcohol, or cigarettes. Everything I do is wrong to Mum and Dad. After I finish crying my eyes out and beating myself I'm going to keep my mouth shut until Mum and Dad finally realized I've grown up and matured. But unlucky them, I've done it without them. And I'm glad. Mum doesn't need to know my every thought. But somehow my Tweepies need to. I'm such a sad wreck.

So long and goodnight...